As The Wind Blows

I heard that life is but a vapor

In an flash we are born and we die

A gust of wind, a stack of paper

The sheets seem to dance across the sky

As the wind blows, only God knows

From where it comes and where it goes

I was twisted, I insisted that I would not lose control

I have known all along there is a risk

Frantically I grasp for what is real

Playing a game of pick-up sticks

I have crushed my dreams like a pill

As the wind blows, only God knows

From where it comes and where it goes

I was twisted, I insisted that I would not lose control

I wonder if I will meet my maker

I wonder will anybody cry

Or will I only meet the undertaker

What happens if I close my eyes

As the wind blows, only God knows

From where it comes and where it goes

I was twisted, I insisted that I would not lose control

Advertisements

The State of My Mind

January is almost over I can’t wait to leave the winter behind.

Maybe there’s a four-leaf clover it in springtime I will find.

Who knows what’s to come, I step up to the podium and give you the state of my mind.

 

Some question my Integrity, I have to agree, I am corrupt to the core.

Maybe morality becomes a casualty as we fight our own inner War.

What if all that remains is the deep rooted bitter pain and it renders us blind.

A million dreams in my head, some alive some are dead, this is the state of my mind.

 

Confusion takes a toll and makes it hard to think sometimes.

Thoughts pollute my soul and my memories remind.

Simple things I can’t decide, psychologically paralyzed in this state of mind.

 

Some question my Integrity, I have to agree, I am corrupt to the core.

Maybe morality becomes a casualty as we fight our own inner War.

What if all that remains is the deep rooted bitter pain and it renders us blind.

A million dreams in my head, some alive some are dead, this is the state of my mind.

 

Why do I carry these chains, for they no longer bind.

Endure unnecessary pains when my pardon has been signed.

I feel fragile and weak as I stand to speak, the state my mind.

 

Some question my Integrity, I have to agree, I am corrupt to the core.

Maybe morality becomes a casualty as we fight our own inner War.

What if all that remains is the deep rooted bitter pain and it renders us blind.

A million dreams in my head, some alive some are dead, this is the state of my mind.

Sunday Morning Shame

Every head turns around as she walks in

She can hear the pews whispering

She looks too young to have three kids

I wonder where their daddy is

They flash at her a fake smile

She is feeling all the while

Sunday morning shame, like she is not good enough

Why play this game? She thinks about getting up

By the power of His name, she heard the preacher say

All your guilt and shame, has been washed away

We are sinners all the same, we must call upon His name

Not accuse or assign blame, or feel Sunday morning shame

She bows her head and prays while the choir sings

She has seen more than her share of suffering

She wonders if she’s broken beyond repair

And does anybody in this church even care

Doubt combines with her fears

She wonder what she is doing here

Sunday morning shame, like she is not good enough

Why play this game? She thinks about getting up

By the power of His name, she heard the preacher say

All your guilt and shame, has been washed away

We are sinners all the same, we must call upon His name

Not accuse or assign blame, or feel Sunday morning shame

She had asked before, ‘Jesus, are you real?’

Now she asks, ‘Jesus, do you know how I feel?

For the first time , she felt a peace within

Lifted her head up and looked around again

The perfect people that she thought she saw

Were broken and too and all had flaws

Sunday morning shame, no one here is good enough

Jesus the blame, our wicked sin was covered up

By the power of His name, the truth, light and way

All your guilt and shame, has been washed away

We are sinners all the same, we must call upon His name

Let’s not accuse or assign blame, no more Sunday morning shame

Tired In My Mind

I’m tired and my mind I can’t leave you behind I think about the time I first met you

We were young and free, you looked at me I knew what we would be when I kissed you

One night in your car, under the stars, I wondered how far love would take us

Time can be mean, that’s how it seems, I never would have dreamed it would break us

Here alone I sit, I light a cigarette, I wish I could forget, but still I miss you

Stars in the sky, pretty as your eyes, I wonder if sometimes, you miss me too

I’m tired in my mind, I can’t leave you behind, I think about the time I first met you

Drawn on Blood

We had been best friends since the third grade

Two years of hanging out, our minds were made

We would always watch out for one another

More than friends, we would be blood brothers

A pocket knife with a blade of stainless steel

As we both bled we shook hands to seal the deal

It was a contract drawn on blood

Forever binding him to me

A special bond of love

That is reserved for family

The first time that I held my son

I felt like my life had just begun

A sense of pride and responsibility

As my little guy looked up at me

I knew that I would always be his dad

Nothing would ever change that

It was a contract drawn on blood

Forever binding him to me

A special bond of love

That is reserved for family

Hiding in the darkness my shame

Feeling so unworthy of His name

Like I ruined everything and lost it all

I heard a voice, still and small

It said ‘no matter what you’ve done

You will never be abandoned

It was a contract drawn on blood

Forever binding him to me

A special bond of love

That is reserved for family

‘Nothing on earth, below or above

Can separate you from my love’

It was a contract drawn on blood

Forever binding him to me

A special bond of love

That is reserved for family

True Peace In Trusting God

(This is a follow-up to yesterday’s post, Notice To Vacate)

I felt peace about the entire situation. It made no sense by human standards… for me to be so at ease. I had received a ‘notice to vacate’ my apartment by Friday. I had no money to pay the amount due, which by this point included an ungodly amount of late fees. I had no additional source of income coming in for the rest of the month and eviction seemed imminent. The situation seemed hopeless, according to human understanding. I guess that’s why we are told to ‘lean not on our own understanding but only on the power of God.’

I carried on about my days. No one would ever have guessed that my family was on the brink of homelessness. I did worry at times and take appropriate steps. I prayed for wisdom for the situation. I packed some things away in boxes under the guise of ‘cleaning’ so not to worry my kids. But through it all, even when taunted by the eviction of our neighbors, I had peace. The peace I felt was not connected to my situation. My peace wasn’t tied to my circumstance.

So today 24 hours after my previous post about the notice to vacate. I have the money to pay my outstanding balance and a little extra. I praise God for always providing exactly what we need.

How do I feel? I feel the same as I did yesterday I feel at peace at ease. I am thankful that God has provided and I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about what to do next but my true peace comes from trusting God. My true peace gives me the ability to praise God even if the money had not shown up, even if my situation had not changed, even if all of my belongings were thrown in bags on the back lawn. Because all of those things are circumstantial but the peace that I have in my God, transcends all circumstances.

If I could purge the evil from my veins

If I could purge the evil from my veins

I would fight the devil and I’d win

If my crimson temptation drains

I would be no longer prone to sin

I hear the serpent whisper lies

I  consume the fruit once more

For it is pleasing to my eyes

Never ending lust for more

If I could purge the evil from my veins

I would fight the devil and I’d win

If my crimson temptation drains

I would be no longer prone to sin

Grew up knowing right from wrong

I know I was made for better

My mind recalls a gospel song

As I wear my scarlet letter

If I could purge the evil from my veins

I would fight the devil and I’d win

If my crimson temptation drains

I would be no longer prone to sin

Wash away my crimson stains

I am sorry for my ways

Let the memory that remains

Be of me in my better days

If I could purge the evil from my veins

I would fight the devil and I’d win

If my crimson temptation drains

I would be no longer prone to sin

‘Stolen water tastes so sweet’

With seduction on her breath

I followed her across the street

What awaited me was death

God, purge the evil from my veins

Without you I know that I can’t win

As my crimson lifeblood drains

I will be no longer prone to sin

 

Notice To Vacate

I looked outside my back window and saw a pile of trash bags, furniture, and boxes. It looked like the field between my building and the building behind me had been turned into the city dump. I tend to be naturally optimistic. I saw this as an opportunity. Perhaps I could offer to clean up all the trash in exchange for a rent deduction. But I should have known better the office at these apartments never work with you.

I asked if they knew about the massive pile of trash in the field and with it being a Saturday morning did they really want that trash sitting there all weekend. They informed me that it was not trash but it is someone’s belongings from an eviction. The family that had lived there had just been evicted and the police and apartment workers took everything that belonged to them and set it in the field in between the two buildings.

So now all sudden my opinion has changed. When I first saw the trash I thought someone had just been disrespectful by throwing out their trash, like massive amounts of trash just in the field not even bothering to take it to where it belongs. Now I felt sad that what looked like a pile of trash really wasn’t. I saw some things that obviously weren’t trash first thing I saw was a massive teddy bear. As the day wore on the wind began to blow. At one point some papers flew past my door. I picked one up just to see what it was it was a little girl’s birth certificate. I didn’t know the family personally but suddenly I felt really close to them. I had a paper with my name on it sitting on my desk. I looked at it many times that day. A ‘Notice to Vacate’ for non-payment. I was warned that I had to pay the full amount by the end of the day on Friday which I did. But it was Saturday now and I saw a bank account and I knew there wasn’t enough money to cover the check I had written. The massive pile of belongings outside my back door taunted me all day. Each time the wind blew a piece of paper, (maybe a photograph or a little crayon drawing or perhaps the little girl’s homework) it felt like it was casting stones at me as if to say this is your fate this is what awaits you and your family. I looked down again at the ‘Notice to Vacate’ but the office had not gotten the returned check yet. For the moment everything was good but I knew that would change and it did.

By Sunday people have started going through the belongings kids and adults in the neighborhood picking through everything that belongs to this family like vultures picking meat off the bones of something already dead.

I watch kids dumping bags of clothes and checking each pocket for money. One of them found $5.

I walked away from the taunting pile, and away from the vultures. I walked along the trail through our apartment complex. There is creek that runs beside the trail. I often walk down to the creek to think and relax.

I saw a man on the other side of the creek. He did not see me at first. He was looking up at a spot under a bridge. He was contemplating his steps trying to figure out the best way to climb.

I soon realized he was looking for shelter. It had started to sprinkle and heavy storms were moving in. When he noticed me, he pretended he had walked down from a car parked on the highway above. He did not know that I had seen the folded out. He did not know that I knew he was homeless. And that gave him a sense of dignity, and I refused to take that away.

I walked home so he could continue about his business of finding shelter from the storm. I walked past the now scattered and ransacked belongings of the evicted family and into my apartment. I looked at the Notice to Vacate on my desk.

I felt compelled to throw a few things in a plastic bag. Some shelf stable food and bottled water. I put an anonymous note inside the bag, just to say that God provides. I tied the bag and walked back down the creek.

I quitely walked down the the bank of the water and slung the bag across the creek. It landed with a loud enough noise to get someone’s attention. I hurried away so not to be seen.

As I walked home I knew that I had done what I was supposed to do that day. I also felt in my stomach the sick sense that I could easily be on the other side of the creek.

With Monday came a brand new Notice to Vacate. I have until friday to leave or face eviction, lay my carcus before the vultures.

I feel no anxiety though. I know things will be okay, I just don’t know how. I pray.

I know my God provides. I feel peace despite my circumstance.

If all else fails

If all else fails and we can’t stay

We can pack our bags and run away

We can load up our minivan

Hit the open road without a plan

I think we owe everybody and their brother

Each paid bill is replaced by another

When you choose between food and rent

Bill comes due but the money is spent

If all else fails and we can’t stay

We can pack our bags and run away

We can load up our minivan

Hit the open road without a plan

I don’t see how these ends will meet

At there is a little bit of food to eat

Now we can pray like we always do

I know the Lord will see us through

If all else fails we can live on the lam

Like two rebels that don’t give a damn

I bet with you we can have some fun

Living like fugitives on the run

I’m Losing My Mind

I’m losing my mind, I’m losing my mind

The wisdom that I seek, I will never find

Genius turns to madness, my mood to sadness

And I’m left behind, I’m losing my mind

Losing control, I am losing control

Losing my body, my spirit, my soul

Unnecessary action, is my distraction

I walk to and fro, I’m losing control

I’m out of my head, I’m out of my head

I walk amongst the living and dead

Losing reality, in the things that I see

And things I’ve heard said, I’m out of my head

I’m losing my mind, I’m losing my mind

Wisdom that I seek, but all that I find

Is endless frustration, my train left the station

And left me behind, I’m losing my mind